"Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close."

"What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."

"You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?"

"Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy will be done."

"It's BTO.  They're Canada's answer to ELP.  Their big hit was TCB.  That's how we talked in the 70's.  We didn't have a moment to spare."

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers..."

"Carnies built this country.  The carnival part of it, anyway."

"Foul temptress!  I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy too!"

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."

"I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood."

"Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that."

"My dad never believed in me. I'm not going to make the same mistake; I'm going to be nicer to my son and meaner to my dad."

"Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff! In jail we had to be in this dumb kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Oshi, but they made me Ori!"

"Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow."

"Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?"

"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around."

"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"

"Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?"

"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."

"When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy."

"Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about.

"You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide."